"Such tales are all true don't be surprised, When they make you gasp and stretch ones eyes"
Can you believe that HALF THE YEAR is upon us? It's 6 months into 2015 ALREADY? This is the time of year that I begin to seriously contemplate my life and all the things I should and ought to do. As I run for the bus, in the morning, I wonder whether I'm on the right path: ‘Am I fulfilling my true potential? Is this the life I want or is it time for change?’ I scuttle on to the jam packed bus and realise that the REAL question is WHEN AM I GOING TO GET ENOUGH MONEY TO HIRE A PERSONAL CHAUFFUER because this bus STINKS!!
It's barely 10am and my ‘deep and meaningful’ is immediately interrupted by the grossness of public transport. HORRENDOUS!
These are the things I witness and encounter on public transport that make me want to either curl into a ball and hide from the world or burn the whole, goddamn bus, train, tram -whatever- down...sometimes I feel like doing both... Here are some of my Pet Peeves. Let's begin: 1, People eating No, no, I'm not a food Nazi- we all have to sustain ourselves during the day...but do you have to eat like a BEAST? Mouth open so I can seeeeeee everything?! And HEAR every slurp, burp and swallow? Nope, nope...it's disgusting! And THEN you leave your left overs behind for someone else to tidy up- it's too much! Decorum; have some DECORUM!! 2, People and their noses What on earth does she mean, 'and their noses'? Ok, lemme explain. You know when you've got a cold, perhaps a bit of a sniffle? Usually, what a sane individual would do is use a tissue and blow their nose. Ah, but no, there is a growing species of human whom wipe their noses with sleeves, hands, bags, newspapers and forgo the tissue idea all together. I have seen people wipe their dribbling nose with their hands and proceed to wipe their hands on the seat next to me (just recalling this makes me begin to gag). Then there are those who snort, sounding like some kind of creature from a Hammer Horrors film- it's just not ok!! But the WORST is the phlegm spitters -yeah I've seen it, spitting on the bus!! You see why I wanna curl into a ball?! 3, Bad smells Listen, we all have something called pores and these are there for fundemental purposes but understand that you DO NOT live on an island. Please, PLEASE wear some deoderant. I mean, it doesn't have to be an antiperspirant if you're worried about the parabens or stifling your skin, you can find so many alternatives nowadays...just please, please find one and USE it! It's not fair walking in to a wall of B.O as I pass you on the escalator, it's not fair encountering garlic sweat when you enter the bus on a hot day, it's not fair being sandwiched between a dirty armpit and greasy hair on the Victoria line. For the love of humanity apply something to protect us mere mortals from the acrid smell of your odour! 4, Coughing So gross. When I was a child I was told to cover my mouth when I coughed. Now it's acceptable to cough; mouth wide open, sharing your germs, what you ate that day and the 3 filling you have at the back. And it's always in my face. I hate it, makes me mad. So gross. 5, Sliding in front/Let me off first Bus/Train protocol: a)If I have been waiting at the bus stop longer than you; let me on first. This rule is only wavered for the disabled and the elderly and, perhaps, those with young. b) In order for you to GET ON the train, you must LET ME OFF FIRST- that's simple logic. These people who go against the Bus/Train protocol deserve to be hanged, drawn and quartered. Yep, that's how I feel. 7, Why are you sitting on me? I don't get it. These seats were made for one person only. If you require more please take it up with the bus conductor or train driver or London Transport. Please do not take it out on me by sitting on my thigh or taking up a quarter of my seating compartment. It's not called for... 8, Treat the bus like your home! Unless you live like Smeagul, don't leave crap all over the place for others to endure. C'mon, were you dragged up? And on the same hand don't get too comfortable...don't need to see your bare, crusty feet up on the seats either. Wrong. 9, Mad, Bad Bus drivers You see what I believe is that there are some bus drivers who really wanted to be pilots but somehow they ended up working for TFL. So where ever they can, they'll drive like they're attempting 'take off' at Heathrow. The speed of which these drivers aka wannabe pilots, zoom across our roads is just ridiculous and kinda scary. Many a time I have exited a bus and waited for the one behind because I simply feared I wouldn't make it home alive. I'm sure they're recruiting at Gatwick or something so go; go follow your dreams and leave the flying for the skies not the roads. 10, Kids Do I really need to explain this one? I've had kids make faces at me, kick me, spill ice cream on me, vomit next to me all whislt their accompanying adult stands by and appears oblivious. Don't gimme that 'wait until you have children' crap! It's bad guardianship. Keep your child in check PLEEAAASSSE! 11, Seriously, seriously...this is not a rave... The day the Walkmans came into existence meant that music could be and should be enjoyed privately. I don't want to hear what plethora of tunes you have on your phone; I don't! And it's not simply the 'yoot' who do this- everyone does. I have fantasies of snatching mobile devices and dashing it out the window of the 24 bus and smiling gleefully...one day it may happen...
This not Ok.
These are just a few of the culprits I've managed to snap! (I laugh to myself as I query my sanity) If you have any to add please feel free to. Until then, I wish you a safe and sanitary trip around London.